Chapter Four - Unplanned Consequences
|"Well, well. If it isn't the erstwhile
Doctor Steve. And what, pray tell, makes you think you and
whoever this we is can thwart me without ending up as
dead as this phone conversation?"
Chad threw the telephone
to the floor in obvious disgust.
"Talent and dedication is
what will thwart you", said the ninja as he materialised from
beside the drinks cabinet.
"Ah" said Chad, "this is getting
interesting. I didn't think Steve would be enough of a
scientist to tackle me alone. Is it true that you have a fine
collection of Victorian codpieces?"
"Yes. My collection of
antique posing pouches is second to none."
"And is it also
true that you model them personally down at the Shaven Sailor
nightclub on the waterfront?"
"How did...NO! It isn't
true!" yelled the ninja angrily.
Chad was quickly gaining
the upperhand in this linguistic battle.
this banter" called out the scientist. "We are here to see you
thwarted, not to cast aspersions upon people's late-night
"Whether true, or fanciful fabrications" he
added, after catching a glance from the ninja.
Chad, I think it's time for you to hit the lights."
looked bewildered at this statement, until Frank spat the
lightbulb into the back of his head.
"Dammit. I should
have known your flea-brained butler would be around here
somewhere" snarled Chad as he stumbled forward, brushing
broken glass from his hair.
"But it'll take more than you
three sweaty baconballs to beat me!"
A quick kick to the
groin put Frank on the floor and Chad leapt sideways towards a
rack of equipment. What might look like beakers of highly
concentrated hydrochloric acid and 300,000 volt electrical
gear to the layman can become deadly weapons in the hands of a
|At this point the fight began in
The ninja threw a tight group of shuriken towards
Chad's head, expecting an easy kill. As they approached the
target, however, a large bolt of electricity flew from the
reflective dome of a nearby tesla coil and vapourised them in
"It'll take more than that, you pajama-clad
pervert" yelled Chad as he tossed a few vials of acid.
ninja was, of course, too quick to be nailed by a simple
projectile and the vials smashed against a wardrobe. The acid
hissed and spat noisily on the timber.
Frank used this
opportunity to roll behind a table and wipe the tears from his
eyes. He also blew his nose on the curtains, just out of
The scientist took a modified remote control out of
his breast pocket and aimed it at Chad. Two beakers next to
Chad exploded as a cloud of black smoke billowed from the
"Dammit, only one shot out of it. I must have
miscalibrated the transphase diodes."
The scientist threw
the remote at Chad in disgust.
"Just as thoroughly
tested as all your inventions, I see" scoffed Chad. "You might
want to check out the repulsor beam I made."
Chad threw a
large switch and a wide purple beam engulfed both the
scientist and the ninja. Frank was behind cover, rummaging
through a bag for suitable weapons, so was not
The other two, though, were picked up by the beam
and thrown forcefully against the far wall. The ninja was
tossed hard against the wardrobe but luckily the acid had
already neutralised. The weakened timbers broke his fall
somewhat and he managed to roll to his feet.
was not so lucky, and landed upside down with his foot wedged
into a stair railing. He was stunned, and numerous items fell
from his upturned pockets.
|"Urrrrgh!" yelled Frank, brandishing a
balloon filled with a dark green fluid. He hurled it at Chad,
who quickly dived to avoid it. It exploded right next to him,
though, and fluid splashed onto his shoulder.
even acid?" questioned Chad, noting that the fluid wasn't
eating into his clothing. "What kind of....arrrrrrgh!"
aroma of Frank's urine had finally reached his nose.
lost the will to fight for a moment, as he was instead
fighting the urge to vomit.
"Arrrgh - I think I can taste
it!" he yelled, before puking explosively over the rug.
Frank laughed uproariously, the ninja took this opportunity to
throw a small chest of drawers. It hit Chad squarely across
the shoulders and smashed to pieces.
Chad was driven to the
floor, but managed to stay on his knees. He wiped vomit from
his face and leaned heavily against a table.
The ninja took
this opportunity to throw another barrage of shuriken. This
time they found their mark, and two of them tore into his
chest and one in the side of his head.
scientist had extricated himself from the railing. Looking for
a decent weapon, he had investigated the wrecked wardrobe that
had broken the ninja's fall earlier. What he found was
incredible beyond belief.
|"Oh my god!" exclaimed the scientist. He
turned to face Chad and pointed back to the wardrobe. "If
that's Chad in there, then who the hell are you?"
stood still. Through some unknown agreement on an almost
telepathic level, all fighting stopped for the moment. This
was probably a similar situation to the ones you see on TV
where people end up pointing guns at each other's heads all of
a sudden. Why neither party fire is a total
"Ah, " said Chad. "I see you have found my
little secret. Chad was such a clever fellow, with access to
all manner of awesome equipment. He also had loads of cash,
which was ideal for my purposes."
Whilst saying this,
"Chad" got to his feet. He reached to his chest with one hand
and the side of his head with the other, pulling out the
shuriken that had stuck there.
"You see, I'm not really
Chad Spankett at all. I am, in fact..."
At this point he
grasped the torn flesh around his wounds and ripped it away,
revealing new, untouched skin below.