Chapter Five - Zee Germans!
||"Ja, that's right - Adolf Hitler is alive"
said Hitler triumphantly. "All zis time you've been livink
your tiny lives whilst I, the greatest leader in modern
history, have been developing zee processes necessary to
produce an army of uber warriors. Once my plan is complete, I
shall take over zee world with my legions of atomic zombies
and rule with an iron fist!"|
"Shit on toast!" exclaimed
"Buddha's holy jockstrap!" yelled the
"Urrrrrgh!" moaned Frank,
"Amuzink epithets, dummkopfs. I vill
endeavour to get zem carved onto your gravestones in zee near
With this he threw a switch on the wall, causing a
huge pendulum to swing down from the ceiling, catching the
ninja in the back of head. He was sent sprawling across the
room and ended up lying motionless against one
After a short burst of maniacal laughter, Hitler
"And now, Herr Doktor, ve shall end zis
Hitler pulled two handguns from his trousers and
waved them menacingly at the scientist.
yelled Dr Steve, as Hitler started firing.
down, and vertigo set in. The room seemed to spin alarmingly
as the scientist fell backwards in an effort to avoid the
incoming bullets. Some bizarre localised phenomenon created
excessive distortion trails - perhaps an overloaded inductor
in the plasmatron.
||He eventually fell down hard to the floor
and Hitler loomed ominously over him, pointing a gun at his
"Only human" opined Hitler as he started to squeeze
"Urrrrgh!" yelled Frank as he ran at
Hitler. Hitler swung his other gun around and fired, hitting
Frank in the chest and spinning him to the
"Dodge this" cried the ninja, and swung a table
leg that hit Hitler square in the temple, throwing him back
across the room with a sickening crack. He landed face down,
with his head at an alarming angle.
"Wow" said the
scientist as the ninja helped him to his feet, "I thought you
were hurt bad, or even dead."
"You can't take out a
ninja with just a cheesy swinging weight. I rolled with it and
faked unconsciousness, knowing Hitler would have little
knowledge of the secrets of the orient."
"Excellent. Oh my
god - Frank!" exclaimed Steve, running to the fallen
He lifted Frank's head as his eyes fluttered
"Urrrgh?" asked Frank, through a pain-wracked
"Yes, Frank, we got him. You're gonna be okay,
you hear me?"
The ninja took Steve to one side and asked
him quietly, "Tell me straight, is he gonna make it?"
yes. The nice thing about reanimating dead flesh is that
bullet wounds just sorta slow them down more than anything
else. Get him back to my lab and I'll have him up and about in
no time. If the bullet had hit his brain, though, that would
have been it. What a relief - I thought I was going to have to
do all the washing up myself for a moment
"Excellent. And we managed to prevent Hitler from
destroying the free world, too. Quite a good result, if you
"And zat's vhere you are wrong, young ninja!"
came a voice from across the room.
The ninja and the
scientist turned to face the sound, and Frank's head bonked
loudly onto the floor as Dr Steve let it slip from his
fingers. The reason being that Hitler was clambering slowly to
his feet, even though it was obvious that his neck was
"You zee, I wasn't entirely honest vith you ven I
said I vas Hitler. I am, in fact, Robo-Hitler!"
face them, it was now obvious that chunks of Hitler's skin
were hanging off to reveal shiny metal beneath.
"It's like a damn video
"MUST. DESTROY. HUMANS." intoned the robot,
opening and closing his hands in a menacing, pincer-like
The scientist quickly scooped up the fallen
handguns and waved them at the robotic Hitler.
sure guns are any good against robots. I mean, I'm no expert.
Give me crazy demons who can melt into shadows or have
beehives growing out of their backs and I'm fine, but robots
just give me the willies" shouted the ninja.
worth a try. You got any better ideas?"
"I dunno - hold
||The guns leapt in the doctor's hands as
he unloaded into the robot. Flesh was torn from it's metal
frame and the machine stumbled back a few steps, but still
seemed quite functional.|
"Aim for the eyes!" screamed the
ninja, as he threw his last remaining shuriken.
the eyes?! At what point did you think I've had any sort of
weapons training beyond phased plasma inducers? You're lucky
I'm getting any of these shots on the target as it
Various ornaments were exploding around the robot to
punctuate his lack of pistol skill. However, enough were
landing on the target to make a difference.
Both clips were
exhausted as the robot crashed to the floor, a mess of chrome
metal and raw flesh.
The scientist threw the empty weapons
to the floor as the robot levered itself up on one arm.
Turning it's head to the pair with it's other arm, it spoke
"RESISTANCE. IS. FUTILE. COMBAT CHASSIS DESIGN
SPECIFICATION EXCEEDS SMALL ARMS FIRE."
all of a sudden," muttered the ninja as he cast about the
room, trying to locate a useful weapon.
"Help me with
Frank" called the scientist. The two of them pulled Frank to
his feet and helped him across the room.
The robot had
also got to its feet, and was reaching for a large piece of
machinery with which to pulverise the trio.
"I have an
idea!" yelled Doctor Steve. "Do you still have any
"Sure, but what good is a metal combat arrow
against that great steel demon?"
"Don't worry about that,
just make sure you can fire it when I give the signal. Climb
out the window so we can pull Frank out with us."
two lads climbed from the window and proceeded to pull Frank
out after them. Frank's torso was out of the window when the
scientist said "That's far enough."
||"But the robot's almost on top of him!"
yelled the ninja.|
"Don't worry - just get your bow and
arrow out and run towards the tree line. Now Frank, I want you
to break wind like your life depends on it. The sort of fart
that'll strip the armour off an M1A2 Battle Tank. You know,
something like the one that killed the dinosaurs."
look of demonic glee crossed Frank's face, and then became a
grimace of effort. The scientist beat a hasty
"When you see the vapours, fire at the robot
and make sure you hit metal. We want sparks, and lots of them"
called the scientist to the ninja.
At this point there
came from the window a sound that man was not supposed to
hear. Many words have been written on a place named "hell",
and tales have populated these realms with all manner of
tortured souls and Elder Gods. Descriptions such as these,
burdened as they are by the limitations of the written word,
fail to even begin to describe but one small fraction of the
actual experience of hell.
In much the same way, the
English language cannot duplicate this sound. The sound
embodied eons of suffering, a millenia of evil fermentation, a
putrifaction sealed in the backed-up s-bend of the toilet of
It lasted about 10 seconds, but felt like 10
years. A hush came over the entire suburb as if nature itself
The ninja finally recovered from shock and
let fly his arrow. The scientist made a dive for cover. The
robot was assessing the threat caused by a sudden and extreme
change in atmospheric conditions. Frank was relieved to find
he hadn't crapped his pants.
||The arrow struck home, ricocheting off
the robot's endoskeleton. As steel met steel, sparks flew. The
robot's face seemed to show pure surprise as a blue/green
fireball blossomed from the point of impact.|
screamed the robot as it finally computed the expected yield
of Frank's bio-BLEVE.
The explosion was deafening. The
results were impressive. The aftermath was punctuated by a
string of car alarms and an air-raid siren.
and the scientist got to their feet, having been knocked down
by the shockwave. The whole side of the house was in ruins and
several large fires were consuming both the upper story and
The two brushed dust from their
sleeves as small sympathetic explosions threw masonry about
"I don't think there's any way that
the robot could have survived that" said the scientist. They
had moved a little closer to the building and could clearly
see the crater where the robot used to be.
"It was right in
the blast cone, and probably already weakened by the corrosive
nature of the fumes. I'd be surprised if we could find enough
of it to fill your posing pouch."
The ninja agreed with
a grunt. He was still a little overawed by the whole
"Well, I guess we'd better get going before
the police arrive. Those guys are always hassling me for
something. If it isn't 'wah wah, there are bodies missing
from the morgue' it's 'what's with all the glowing
green stuff coming out of your sewer pipes?' Help me get
Frank out of that tree."
They threw a rope up to Frank, who
dutifully tied it around himself. The two then hauled on it
and pulled him to the ground with a loud thump. The scientist
helped him up and removed his lab coat to tie around Frank's
waist. The townsfolk tended to react poorly to reanimated
corpses with their bum hanging out.
The three then beat a
hasty retreat as the sirens grew steadily louder.