Chapter Five - Zee Germans!

"Ja, that's right - Adolf Hitler is alive" said Hitler triumphantly. "All zis time you've been livink your tiny lives whilst I, the greatest leader in modern history, have been developing zee processes necessary to produce an army of uber warriors. Once my plan is complete, I shall take over zee world with my legions of atomic zombies and rule with an iron fist!"

"Shit on toast!" exclaimed the scientist.
"Buddha's holy jockstrap!" yelled the ninja.
"Urrrrrgh!" moaned Frank, unsurprisingly.

"Amuzink epithets, dummkopfs. I vill endeavour to get zem carved onto your gravestones in zee near future."
With this he threw a switch on the wall, causing a huge pendulum to swing down from the ceiling, catching the ninja in the back of head. He was sent sprawling across the room and ended up lying motionless against one wall.

After a short burst of maniacal laughter, Hitler continued speaking.
"And now, Herr Doktor, ve shall end zis thing."
Hitler pulled two handguns from his trousers and waved them menacingly at the scientist.

"Frank! Help!" yelled Dr Steve, as Hitler started firing.

Time slowed down, and vertigo set in. The room seemed to spin alarmingly as the scientist fell backwards in an effort to avoid the incoming bullets. Some bizarre localised phenomenon created excessive distortion trails - perhaps an overloaded inductor in the plasmatron.
He eventually fell down hard to the floor and Hitler loomed ominously over him, pointing a gun at his face.
"Only human" opined Hitler as he started to squeeze the trigger.

"Urrrrgh!" yelled Frank as he ran at Hitler. Hitler swung his other gun around and fired, hitting Frank in the chest and spinning him to the ground.

"Dodge this" cried the ninja, and swung a table leg that hit Hitler square in the temple, throwing him back across the room with a sickening crack. He landed face down, with his head at an alarming angle.

"Wow" said the scientist as the ninja helped him to his feet, "I thought you were hurt bad, or even dead."

"You can't take out a ninja with just a cheesy swinging weight. I rolled with it and faked unconsciousness, knowing Hitler would have little knowledge of the secrets of the orient."
"Excellent. Oh my god - Frank!" exclaimed Steve, running to the fallen monster.
He lifted Frank's head as his eyes fluttered open.
"Urrrgh?" asked Frank, through a pain-wracked grimace.

"Yes, Frank, we got him. You're gonna be okay, you hear me?"
The ninja took Steve to one side and asked him quietly, "Tell me straight, is he gonna make it?"
"Oh yes. The nice thing about reanimating dead flesh is that bullet wounds just sorta slow them down more than anything else. Get him back to my lab and I'll have him up and about in no time. If the bullet had hit his brain, though, that would have been it. What a relief - I thought I was going to have to do all the washing up myself for a moment there!"
"Excellent. And we managed to prevent Hitler from destroying the free world, too. Quite a good result, if you ask me."

"And zat's vhere you are wrong, young ninja!" came a voice from across the room.
The ninja and the scientist turned to face the sound, and Frank's head bonked loudly onto the floor as Dr Steve let it slip from his fingers. The reason being that Hitler was clambering slowly to his feet, even though it was obvious that his neck was broken.
"You zee, I wasn't entirely honest vith you ven I said I vas Hitler. I am, in fact, Robo-Hitler!"
Turning to face them, it was now obvious that chunks of Hitler's skin were hanging off to reveal shiny metal beneath.
"Bloody hell!"
"It's like a damn video game!"

"MUST. DESTROY. HUMANS." intoned the robot, opening and closing his hands in a menacing, pincer-like manner.
The scientist quickly scooped up the fallen handguns and waved them at the robotic Hitler.
"I'm not sure guns are any good against robots. I mean, I'm no expert. Give me crazy demons who can melt into shadows or have beehives growing out of their backs and I'm fine, but robots just give me the willies" shouted the ninja.
"Well, it's worth a try. You got any better ideas?"
"I dunno - hold them gangsta-style?"
The guns leapt in the doctor's hands as he unloaded into the robot. Flesh was torn from it's metal frame and the machine stumbled back a few steps, but still seemed quite functional.
"Aim for the eyes!" screamed the ninja, as he threw his last remaining shuriken.
"Aim for the eyes?! At what point did you think I've had any sort of weapons training beyond phased plasma inducers? You're lucky I'm getting any of these shots on the target as it is!"
Various ornaments were exploding around the robot to punctuate his lack of pistol skill. However, enough were landing on the target to make a difference.
Both clips were exhausted as the robot crashed to the floor, a mess of chrome metal and raw flesh.
The scientist threw the empty weapons to the floor as the robot levered itself up on one arm. Turning it's head to the pair with it's other arm, it spoke again.


"Chatty bitch all of a sudden," muttered the ninja as he cast about the room, trying to locate a useful weapon.
"Help me with Frank" called the scientist. The two of them pulled Frank to his feet and helped him across the room.

The robot had also got to its feet, and was reaching for a large piece of machinery with which to pulverise the trio.

"I have an idea!" yelled Doctor Steve. "Do you still have any arrows?"
"Sure, but what good is a metal combat arrow against that great steel demon?"
"Don't worry about that, just make sure you can fire it when I give the signal. Climb out the window so we can pull Frank out with us."

The two lads climbed from the window and proceeded to pull Frank out after them. Frank's torso was out of the window when the scientist said "That's far enough."
"But the robot's almost on top of him!" yelled the ninja.
"Don't worry - just get your bow and arrow out and run towards the tree line. Now Frank, I want you to break wind like your life depends on it. The sort of fart that'll strip the armour off an M1A2 Battle Tank. You know, something like the one that killed the dinosaurs."

A look of demonic glee crossed Frank's face, and then became a grimace of effort. The scientist beat a hasty retreat.

"When you see the vapours, fire at the robot and make sure you hit metal. We want sparks, and lots of them" called the scientist to the ninja.

At this point there came from the window a sound that man was not supposed to hear. Many words have been written on a place named "hell", and tales have populated these realms with all manner of tortured souls and Elder Gods. Descriptions such as these, burdened as they are by the limitations of the written word, fail to even begin to describe but one small fraction of the actual experience of hell.
In much the same way, the English language cannot duplicate this sound. The sound embodied eons of suffering, a millenia of evil fermentation, a putrifaction sealed in the backed-up s-bend of the toilet of torment.
It lasted about 10 seconds, but felt like 10 years. A hush came over the entire suburb as if nature itself was dumbfounded.
The ninja finally recovered from shock and let fly his arrow. The scientist made a dive for cover. The robot was assessing the threat caused by a sudden and extreme change in atmospheric conditions. Frank was relieved to find he hadn't crapped his pants.
The arrow struck home, ricocheting off the robot's endoskeleton. As steel met steel, sparks flew. The robot's face seemed to show pure surprise as a blue/green fireball blossomed from the point of impact.

1111011011110110111100100001" screamed the robot as it finally computed the expected yield of Frank's bio-BLEVE.

The explosion was deafening. The results were impressive. The aftermath was punctuated by a string of car alarms and an air-raid siren.

The ninja and the scientist got to their feet, having been knocked down by the shockwave. The whole side of the house was in ruins and several large fires were consuming both the upper story and next-door's dachshund.
The two brushed dust from their sleeves as small sympathetic explosions threw masonry about the neighbourhood.

"I don't think there's any way that the robot could have survived that" said the scientist. They had moved a little closer to the building and could clearly see the crater where the robot used to be.
"It was right in the blast cone, and probably already weakened by the corrosive nature of the fumes. I'd be surprised if we could find enough of it to fill your posing pouch."

The ninja agreed with a grunt. He was still a little overawed by the whole outcome.

"Well, I guess we'd better get going before the police arrive. Those guys are always hassling me for something. If it isn't 'wah wah, there are bodies missing from the morgue' it's 'what's with all the glowing green stuff coming out of your sewer pipes?' Help me get Frank out of that tree."

They threw a rope up to Frank, who dutifully tied it around himself. The two then hauled on it and pulled him to the ground with a loud thump. The scientist helped him up and removed his lab coat to tie around Frank's waist. The townsfolk tended to react poorly to reanimated corpses with their bum hanging out.
The three then beat a hasty retreat as the sirens grew steadily louder.